Mindfulness in a Teeny, Tiny Nutshell

Mindfulness.

A word that is tossed around a lot these days. But what does it really mean? 

In a teeny, tiny nutshell, it means to be in contact with the present moment, to be present with only one thing at a time. But how do we do it?

Practice. Mindfulness takes practice like anything else.

Mindfulness practice should be intentional.  “I am intentionally going to practice mindfulness.”

Mindfulness practice should be free from judgement; objective. Don’t judge yourself or your thoughts. Just be present, notice. And when you do notice your judgments, don’t judge yourself for judging. Just be present. Just notice.

To practice mindfulness, I like to begin with an arbitrary focal point, or an assigned focal point. Typically, I practice mindfulness using my breaths as my focal point, or using one (or more) of my senses as my focal point.

Turn your attention to your focal point, and just notice. You may notice thoughts or feelings that are popping up in your mind. Just notice those, allow them room to be there, and gently turn your attention back to your focal point. 

You may need to do this several times over a short period of time. That is normal and fine. The purpose of mindfulness is to be able to catch ourselves in those thoughts before we become caught up in the mental world of our thoughts and are no longer in the present moment, rather, we have fallen down the rabbit hole of our minds. So often one thought leads to another, and to another, and so on and so forth. And we are not overtly aware of the path we are on until we are deep in the rabbit hole of our minds and caught in a tangle of emotions. However, it is never too late to notice, and return our attention back to our focal point. Just notice the thoughts or the emotions you’ve become entangled with, and return your attention back to your focal point.

Mindfulness practice does not need to be for exceedingly long periods of time. Start with a minute and slowly build up. It’s not a competition. It’s practice.

What is mindfulness practice NOT?  Mindfulness is not sitting and watching television. While you may be following your favorite program or movie closely, you are not in contact with the present moment. You are, for all intents and purposes, escaping to an alternate reality.  You are not in the present. You are in a fictional realm of entertainment. This is not mindfulness.

Mindfulness is not forcefully trying to empty your mind of all thoughts. Rather, mindfulness is making room for and noticing your thoughts; neither pushing them out, nor holding onto them.

Mindfulness is being mentally present in your now.

Karen Rosian, Psy.D.

Licensed Clinical Psychologist

One key element of a healthy family relationship is communication. The quality of great human relationships largely depends on how we talk to one another.  Our tone of voice, cadence and volume, non-verbal gestures and motives are important aspects that we are often unaware of. We should feel comfortable sharing ideas, thoughts, and feelings among the people we love however many families have generational patterns of poor communication.

Communication in families is important so that each member respects each other's needs and wants.  In families with poor communication they tend to lack respect for each other, engage in arguments more often, mind read other's thoughts, develop resentments more often, and they don't know how to talk to each other in healthy ways.

Below are some guides to effective communication with family:

* Listen to the other person's complaints

We all have to be on the receiving end of a complaint at some point in life.  Family members will benefit from being open and receptive to feedback, keeping a cool-head, and being reasonable.  The open-mindedness and a receptive temperament might allow you to see their perspective and help you become a better person. Don't answer a complaint with a complaint.  

* Discuss don't attack

This tip can prevent conflicts.  We all have different personalities and we respond to our life circumstances differently, we need this tip.  If we have an issue to address with a loved one, we can try to tell them how we feel. If it's a minor irritation and it continues to bother you try saying: "I know this seems petty, but it's really getting to me, so I thought you'd want me to talk to you about it".  Using "I" statements can reduce blame and defensiveness.  

* Keep the voice low and pleasant

When emotions run high, voices get high and then there could be trouble. Speaking in a low voice can significantly reduce conflicts and change your home atmosphere into a more pleasant environment. 

* Stick to the subject

When you want to address an issue with a family member try speaking about one issue rather that using it as an opportunity to list eight other things you have been meaning to bring up.  One issue at a time is a more effective method to prevent confusion. 

* Don't make demands

Some of us grew up hearing "it's my way or the high way". This style demands that we get our way and limits opportunities for other's to feel heard and respected.  It's helpful to allow the other person to offer suggestions for mutual coming to terms with problems.  Having a variety of ideas and solutions to issues can enhance your relationships.

In summary,  courtesy towards family generally generates courtesy.  Using the above mentioned guides can help you become pleased with yourself and enjoy interactions with those you love.  These tips can help remind the whole family that they are people with a mind, soul, a set of emotions that are unique in many ways. They are family members you respect, are considerate of, and want to treat with love and courtesy.